There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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