the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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