I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
