when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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