You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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