I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
