she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
