Three words: puerto rican gang bang
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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