I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The best revenge is premature balding
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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