Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
