I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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