saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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