I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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