You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
