Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
