I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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