I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
