I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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