i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Girls should come with a carfax report
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i now understand why vodka
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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