Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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