I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
