I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
