i can't believe i had my finger in that
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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