...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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