I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
