I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
