Cold hands, warm shart.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
