just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
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This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
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On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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