I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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