I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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