found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
