I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I cockslap morals
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
