I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
