Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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