I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
