At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
