Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
