You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
