A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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