My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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