He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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