sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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