Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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