okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
