I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
