i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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