remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
