a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
