so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
