Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
