Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
