Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
