I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
