Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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