yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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