everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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